Peacocks, swans and turkeys at 2010 Oscars

Oscar de la Renta is beloved by more mature women, so this beaded gown should look too old for Cameron Diaz. But it's a triumph

Best Actress Sandra Bullock and nominee Helen Mirren embrace as they walk the red carpet

Charlize Theron's Christian Dior gown needed a good iron, and why did she choose bizarre satin whorls to draw attention to her flattened breasts?

Sarah Jessica Parker in shapeless Chanel couture (note to designer Karl Lagerfeld: her twins were born by surrogate!)

Mariah Carey in navy Valentino couture forgot the golden rule: only one erogenous zone at a time

There were no hourglass ballgowns, no crinolines, no elaborate trains, no acres of cleavage and only the most fleeting flashes of thigh.

The mood on the red carpet on Oscars night was one of impeccable restraint.

The shape of the night was the fitted, narrow column, while the colour was a washout: there were so many oysters and nudes I lost count, and began to yearn for someone with the guts to wear emerald or scarlet.

Only two actresses managed to pull this look off: Demi Moore, in blush-pink ruffles by Atelier Versace, and Sandra Bullock in shimmering silver by one of the few British designers chosen, Marchesa.

The reason they looked wonderful is they are both brunettes, both in their 40s and have breasts, hips and attitude.

If you are young, blonde and with the contours of spaghetti, a pale column renders you invisible: Amanda Seyfried in Armani Prive cried out for someone to force-feed her liver, while Kate Winslet, in rigid grey by Yves Saint Laurent, looks best in something soft and romantic.

Then there was the category I'll call Curtains And Sofas. Penelope Cruz, in ruby Donna Karan, looked wonderful from the waist up, but the drapes at her feet were too voluminous for her tiny frame.

Vera Farmiga's fuchsia Marchesa overwhelmed her.

Charlize Theron made a huge mistake with her Dior gown, with its whorls of fabric decorating each breast, while Sigourney Weaver's red Lanvin toga was a disaster.

Were there any positives?

Well, once again it was the older actresses who showed the most taste, notably Meryl Streep in a cool, cream gown, Michelle Pfeiffer in blood-red Carolina Herrera and Helen Mirren in ice-blue Badgley Mischka, with sheer, spangly sleeves that gave discreet cover.

Hollywood's young guard were again lamb dressed as mutton: British nominee Carey Mulligan chose droopy black Prada with awful clumpy sandals.

The biggest disappointment was that none of the women oozed sex appeal: where are the Marilyns and the Avas?

Too many little-girl-losts in a Hollywood that is still playing it safe, when its job in these difficult times is to make us forget our troubles.